Show and Tell, Please

Did you know that in the online dating world, to cuddle means, well, to fuck? Neither did I. Nor did my friends. And one of us learned it the hard way.

It felt a bit harsh to actually write that word, the f- word. I throw it around in stories and rants all day long when speaking. I’ve actually fantasized about being that hip, edgy, and soon to be fired teacher that uses this word to teach the parts of speech to my high school students. I think it would resonate with them. I could use it as a vibrant verb: “Don’t fuck with me.” I could use it as an alluring adverb, “You’ve got the be fucking kidding me.” Or an abhorrent adjective, “Give me that fucking bottle.” And then my favorite, and really the most versatile, the nifty noun, “Shut the fuck up.” Try it. It works with surprise, intrigue, anger, humor, sarcasm. I can even use this word to teach figurative language. “That thing is fly as fuck.” Simile. “For Fuck’s sake.” Personification. But for some reason, writing it felt crass. But as I am getting ready to debunk the concept of “cuddle”” being a viable euphemism for “fuck,” I can’t very well do that by using another euphemism now, can I? Aren’t I brave? Clearly I am getting over my fears.

Charlotte, Miranda, and I occasionally had a fellow single mom friend, who also met her man online, join us for our weekly dinners. Let’s call her Roxanna, because it means rebirth. She is currently in the midst of some major rebirthing in her life and I am trying to support that with her fake name. Before she met her fiancé (yes there are success stories!!), she was texting with one particular man, let’s call him Dick, who asked her, “Do you like to cuddle?”

And she answered, “Of course I do,” and bravely added a heart emoji. She could see the three dots below her cute and courageous and flirty text…so she patiently awaited his response.

Dick responded, “Oh my gosh, so do I!! When can we meet?” Roxanna thought it was a bit overzealous, this enthusiasm for cuddling, but she also thought it was kind of cute. He must be lonely. So they made a date.

As the flirty, fun, and very promising date was coming to a close, she asked him to walk her to her car. Roxanna highly anticipated the kiss goodnight and was fantasizing about how it might happen. Dick brought her fantasy to an abrupt close when he asked angrily, “I thought you like to cuddle. What the heck???”

She said, “Well we could cuddle for a few moments here at my car for our parting good night. I was kind hoping for a kiss, but a cuddle would be fine.”

He stomped off in utter disappointment, calling her a tease. Dick needs to learn how to manage his expectations. Roxanna needed to do some goggling to figure out where the night went so wrong. And she found it. Why is there a code for fuck? The millennials say “Netflix and Chill,” but aren’t we adults? Can’t we just say it like it is?

Remember, ladies like sex too? Just don’t be a Dick.

The next man that reached out to her had the screen name rocketman. For real. She thought maybe he should be called (big) Dick as well, but he had sent her such a heartfelt, beautiful, and engaging message that she decided to give him a chance. Turns out he his screen name rocketman doesn’t mean what what one would think. He is a rocket scientist, for real. He is an amazing man in so many ways and they are now engaged.

Moral of the story? Things are not always as they seem. Keep an open mind. But with your open mind, make sure, before you accept a date, you see the whole face. Miranda’s experience taught us this.

Miranda launched into her story about a date with a man whose profile picture was of him in a motorcycle helmet. Bad boy, right? She thought that was pretty sexy and didn’t realize or consider what the motorcycle helmet might be covering. When she arrived to the date, she realize the error of her ways. He had a lemon size mole on his forehead. Not that an appearance flaw would be a deal breaker, but the fact that he hid it made her question his integrity. I mean, what else is he hiding?? Moral of the story, always make sure to see the whole face.

Charlotte described her experiences with online dating as, “the coffee date queen.” She had a string of coffee dates, not meals, not drinks, just coffee. How long can you keep drinking coffee? On one hand, it’s great for keeping the date short and simple, but on the other hand, when you need to be out of the house for longer than an hour, things get tough.

One time, she met a man for coffee, of course, and they chatted amicably and then by the second or third cup more manically…. They said their goodbyes and because her ex-husband, Toby, was at her house with the kids, she needed somewhere to go for a while. Have I mentioned that Charlotte is a saint and used to allow her husband to spend his time with the kids at her house? He also drank her beer. I would not be ok with either of things, but I am no saint. The upside to Charlotte’s situation was that the kids always got to stay at home, near their friends and activities, but the downside was that Charlotte needed to get out of the house and out of their way a lot. Because she didn’t want extra time with her ex, she often needed a getaway place. She had not met her current fiancé yet. (Yet another online dating success story!) So, as the much too short coffee date came to an end, she decided to treat herself to a movie. When she got out of the movie, she pulled her phone out, just to make sure everything was OK at home, and had a string of calls and texts from her coffee date. All of this in just two hours. He texted her to tell her what a lovely time he had had. Sweet. Then he texted again saying, “Where are you? Maybe you didn’t enjoy the day as much as me?” Not so sweet. Stalker. And then the calls began. Can anybody say psycho killer?

One time Miranda, with the true spirit of Samantha, went out on a date with a firefighter. His profile picture was hot (full face) and so sexy, and so was he in person, thankfully. Integrity intact. They had a fantastic dinner with engaging conversation with chemistry that yanked at the sex strings. And as the night progressed, they both knew just where it was headed. They went back to his place and begin some intense making out. The firefighter handled things just as any emergency responder would, by ripping off her dress (that buttoned up the front with three buttons but the tear went way down, to about the belly button) then tearing off her control top pantyhose (expensive). That will teach Miranda not to wear those dang anti-feminism, constraining pantyhose ever again.

In the heat of the moment, Miranda liked it. Ok, she loved it. Remember, ladies like sex too? But when it was time to go home, she had no clothes. “You owe me a fucking dress.” In response, he kindly offered her a T-shirt and some shorts that barely fit, of course, big burly firefighter that he was, but what choice did she have?

This sends me off on a tangent where John Gray, the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, creates a cartoon of Miranda/Samantha and the firefighter sitting at the dinner table. Each of them wear smiles with their heads tilted ever so slightly. The thought bubble over Miranda/Samantha’s head reading, “Oh my gosh, I can’t wait to get home and slow dance to “Sharing the Night Together,” or perhaps some Marvin Gay, and have him slowly undress me.”

And the thought bubble over the fire fighter’s head saying, “I’m gonna tear that dress off with my teeth.” Or maybe I (and John Gray) have it all wrong and they both acted opposite of their instincts, who knows? Well, at least their fantasies didn’t span the same huge gap as the “cuddling couple,” Roxanna and Dick.

Miranda was grateful several months later when her brother was visiting and his youngest child spilled some juice on his pants. Looked like he had peed them. “Oh shoot, what am I going to do?”

Miranda hopped up enthusiastically, “No worries. I have just the thing!” And she finally got rid of the firefighters’s shorts. “And no need to return them. They don’t fit anybody here.”

Everybody looked at her quizzically. She simply asked, “Whose drink can I refresh?”

I thought this tribute to Sex and the City would be a two parter. But I have just begun with the dates that they had. On deck, part three, where Miranda goes from having her dress ripped off by one man to being offered a talking Teddy Bear by another. And Charlotte goes from discovering that her then husband was on match.com to questioning whether her now boyfriend was still on there.